Do Not Contact

Internet access is spotty in my remote arctic outpost--darn those solar flares!--but, weather permitting, my team of specially trained penguins are quite handy at translating emails into morse code with their beaks. Odds that I will get your message: at least fifty percent. Odds that I will respond: hm, how much chocolate are you offering me exactly? This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

If you have reason to believe that your computer has been hacked--and believe me, you do--you may prefer to write your letters of protest and complaint by hand. Unfortunately, the last time anybody tried to deliver a letter to my equatorial rainforest hideaway, the poor boy was shot in the back with an arrow tipped with frog poison. Thankfully, I realized my error in time to administer the correct antidote. The letter, alas, was halfway down the Amazon by that time. To ensure a better outcome, please send letters to the following address: